My Home To Return To
by OngakuDream
Summary: Sanzo is mentally tortured by Goku and his past master Koumyou, but he is physically tortured by someone else...Can Sanzo ever learn to just let go and LOVE? Anal, Angst, H/C, Language, M/M, Oral, WAFF, WIP, Yaoi


Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Well, I got this idea for a story when I was listening to "Love is Only a Feeling" by The Darkness and I just had to write it down. It just flowed from my fingers soooooo I hope it's satisfying :D

**New Intro: **So this is actually an OLD story of mine that I'm reposting since I can't get into my old account. It didn't het many likes back then, but it's still one of my babies and I'm thinking of continuing it :))

Warnings: Yaoi Lemon. WoO! I will not say the pairings because it's quite confusing.

Have fun!

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"Sanzo."

That voice. It use to call out so longingly. So lonely and desperate. Now…it sounded content. So very satisfied and…happy, even. Was this all the boy really need to be truly happy? Just him? What did he have to give? He was useless…

Yet, despite that, the monkey lay beside him, arms wrapped protectively, lovingly around his body, his head buried deep in his chest.

He hated it. Sanzo despised it. The warmth radiating from Goku and pouring itself into his own body. The chills that ran though his arms that reluctantly had themselves slung around the younger boy. The goose-bumps that ran from his neck to his ankles. What were they from? The chills? Or the complete uneasiness he felt? The way the bile in his stomach rose to his throat, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

He couldn't take it. How long could he endure it this time? Out of the many times they did this, it never had gotten any easier.

_"Sanzo I…"_

_"Shut up and go to sleep."_

_"B-But, Sanzo I have to tell you something…"_

_"I said shut up!"_

_WACK!_

_"NO! SANZO, I…..I LOVE YOU! ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU!"_

_Silence_.

Yep. That's how it started. And a month later…this is where they were.

Sanzo still couldn't give in. He wouldn't let himself. It wasn't real. The monkey didn't really love him. He knew that. It was just admiration. Admiration for the one who had saved him and set him free from his prison. It could have been anyone who set him free and he would have felt the same way. Gojyo, Hakkai…Ni even. It didn't matter. Who wouldn't fall in love with the one who saved them? It was just a coincidence that Sanzo was there. That he heard him. It could have been anyone…

So why did it have to be him? He that understood so little. That was scared so much. That felt so little yet so much at the same time. He was a contradiction in itself. A hypocritical bastard. What else did he have to give Goku but pain? He was so good at that. So good. And yet…Goku didn't seem to mind at all. No matter how much pain and torture Sanzo put him through…he stayed.

"Sanzo."

Did he always half to repeat his name? In that tone? That tone that made him melt, if only for just one second. That made all his stress float away. And for one brief moment, all his walls would fall. Along with his walls of defense fell his sanity. He hugged Goku closer and placed a kiss atop the boys head. Then quickly his walls would be built again and his sanity would return, his arms becoming rigid and awkward.

Goku smiled. He loved it. Every time he said Sanzo's name. It sounded so beautiful when it rolled off his tongue so easily.

He knew. He knew every time he said his guardian's name it made the man crash. It made him happy he had that little bit of power over Sanzo. Just knowing that gave him hope. Hope that one day…they would share their love equally. Sanzo would love him just as much as he did. No matter how much Sanzo hurt him, that one kiss would heal all his wounds. Every single one.

He's so strong… Sanzo thought as he clumsily brushed his hand through Goku's soft brown hair.

No…he's still weak. Everyone's weak.

_-Blood-_

Sanzo shifted against the bed.

"That's enough. Get up."

Goku shook his head and grabbed Sanzo tighter. "No. Please."

This wasn't like Goku. He knew when to leave. He knew when Sanzo said that it was enough, it was enough. He knew what would happen if he didn't stop…

"I said that's enough." Sanzo said through gritted teeth.

"Sanzo!"

He could hear the tears in Goku's trembling voice.

But that didn't matter. All sympathy had vanished in his anger. All he saw was red. It was going too far. He had to stop it. He was going to go crazy…

"Get the FUCK off me, monkey!"

But Goku couldn't…he couldn't let go. He knew it was stupid but…he hated the feeling of letting Sanzo go. How did he know Sanzo would ever let him do it again? How did he know he'd ever get to wrap his arms around Sanzo and feel safe from everything. Feel complete.

His eyes snapped open when he felt Sanzo tug roughly at his hair.

No. Nonono.

Despite his animalistic urge to fight against Sanzo and hold him with all he had, Goku knew what would be smarter. He slowly let his arms unravel from around Sanzo and sat up on the bed, slinging his legs around so his feet fell to the floor.

" 'Bout time, ass."

Goku winced. Not necessarily at the name Sanzo called him, but at the biting rush he felt as warmth left him and his body filled with emptiness and cold.

He was hungry again.

"Say, uh…Sanzo…"

"Go to fucking bed."

Sanzo rolled over on his side, facing away from Goku. He didn't want to see the boy at all. Ever.

"I was just gonna ask if ya wanted something to eat."

"Well, I don't. So leave me alone."

Goku hung his head, but then a smile spread itself across his face as he remembered that just seconds ago, Sanzo was kissing him on the head. His scalp still tingled.

" 'Kay. See you in the mornin'!"

"Nnn."

Strong. He had to be strong until the next time he was in Sanzo's arms.

Gojyo watched as Goku quietly opened the door to Sanzo's room and walked out, slowly shutting it behind him. He knew what was going on between the two men. Or at least he knew the basics. He wasn't exactly sure what was going on behind closed doors. But it was an almost nightly routine. Unless Sanzo was sharing a room with himself or Hakkai.

He went back into his own room after he watched Goku walk down the stairs to the dining room.

Now…he waited.

Ten minutes.

Twenty minutes.

Thirty.

"Five, four, three, two, one…"

Knock, knock.

It was Sanzo's polite way of letting Gojyo know he was about to intrude, not a question if he could come in or not.

Sanzo walked pass the table Gojyo was sitting at, smoking, and went straight to the bed. He dropped his robes to the floor, wearing nothing beneath them. Naked, he fell on his back, landing on the soft mattress.

"Fuck me. Now."

Gojyo smirked and ground his cigarette out in the ash tray. He could tell Sanzo was upset. Sure the guy was a tight ass but…

"Goku didn't want to leave again, huh?"

"Did I ask for your questions? Shut the fuck up and get to work."

Gojyo grinned sympathetically, but it soon slipped away into a hungry grin.

"If you say so."

Gojyo swung his hips seductively, all the way over to the bed. When he got there, he stared down at Sanzo. The guy wasn't even hard. This always made things a little awkward for Gojyo but…what could he do? Sanzo was the one who asked for it. Gojyo couldn't get what he really wanted so…he had to make do somehow. And this was much easier than going out and finding some tart.

He climbed onto the bed, swinging a long thin leg over Sanzo. Straddling the naked blonde he ran his hands slowly, roughly down his own clothed body. On the way up, he cupped himself, rubbing it a couple times, then continuing his romping. He crossed his arms in front of him, grabbing the end of his shirt and lifting it, all the while rolling and curving his hips and stomach to an inaudible tune. When the shirt was discarded he found both his nipples with his hands and pinched them menacingly. A cry was pulled from his throat and his head slung back as his twisted the pink nubs between his fingers. Crimson hair flew through the air. After letting go of his nipples, he drag his nails down the sides of his chest and stomach. He brought his head forward, his eyes locking onto Sanzo's in a ravenous stare. His hair pooled around his shoulders and into his face, shading most everything but his bright red eyes.

Sanzo growled. "Cut the shit and stick it in me, fucker."

Gojyo laughed but obliged. He quickly ripped off his pants, throwing them to the floor. He grabbed his cock and pumped it a few times, spreading his precum along his length.

"Just remember, priest, you asked for this."

"Hn. HAAAAAAAAAAAGNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

Sanzo tried to suppress the scream that tore itself fro his throat as Gojyo relentlessly plunged himself deep inside Sanzo.

"Stupid, Hgghh, k-kappa."

Gojyo would have smirked, but he was too focused on the sensations that coursed through him. Sanzo was tight. He was always so tight. It was almost too tight for Gojyo. He was used to loose prostitutes. But Sanzo…Goddamn.

"Fucking hell…"

Sanzo growled. He didn't come here for Gojyo to just sit there inside him. He needed to forget…

Sanzo gripped Gojyo's hips. He pulled himself away from Gojyo, his tight walls scraping the entire length. He felt every ridge, every vein.

In one swift motion he jerked Gojyo's hips toward him, shoving his own hips toward Gojyo.

Yesssssss.

Everything went white. This was it. This feeling. This is what he needed. To forget…

Fire coursed through insides. It burned so bad. The sharp bitter chills of pain crept through his body. He was being cleansed.

"Fuck. Me."

Gojyo recovered from the intense pleasure and hooked his arms under Sanzo's shoulders.

"I hope you're, uhnn, ready for this, priest."

He was. God, but he was.

Gojyo began to fuck Sanzo at an alarming speed. One thrust right after the other. His balls constantly slapped against Sanzo's ass, sending thrills through his dick. Sanzo was perfect for fucking. His whole body screamed how fuckable he was. Everything but his expression…

Gojyo could never look at Sanzo's face when they fucked. The pain and agony he saw there killed the moment. Besides, he could always picture someone else when his eyes were shut…

Sanzo lay motionless. He let his body be plundered and forced into the mattress beneath him.

His eyes shot open and he let out a small whine when he felt teeth dig themselves into a nerve in the side of his neck. His insides were on fire, and the harsh teeth only brought more pain.

It's what he wanted.

He could hear Gojyo's breath becoming ragged. He noticed his own was also coming in short, hitched pants. He growled.

Gojyo knew what that meant. He shifted so that he held himself up with one arm and reached the other between them. He roughly took hold of Sanzo's dick. He pumped it furiously, twisting his wrist each time he brought his hand down.

As Sanzo moaned and uttered breaths of pleasure, constricting the walls of his ass skillfully in time with Gojyo's panicked thrusts, Gojyo could feel that they were near the end. He let go of Sanzo's dick and slipped his hand down to the blonde's balls. Yes, he was close. Oh so close. Gojyo would have been able to tell if he looked Sanzo in the face but…well, that was out of the question.

Gojyo squeezed the tender sac of tight skin and organ in his hand, pulling the pair away from Sanzo in one quick jerk, then letting go.

"God-fucking-dammit!"

That was the worst pain Sanzo had felt that whole night. Well, physically speaking. At least the stupid kappa didn't go as far as to twist them. Sanzo wanted to be in pain, he didn't want to be mutilated.

Happy with Sanzo's remark, Gojyo extracted himself from Sanzo's ass, the sudden cool air wrapping around his cock like an icy blanket. Goddamn the monk was hot.

Gojyo's impulsive action left Sanzo in an abrupt state of shock. Nine and a half inches of a thick, hard human organ being ripped out of you doesn't leave such a pleasant feeling inside one's ass.

But Gojyo didn't give his blonde monk time to recover.

((Sanzo: For the record, I am NOT the kappa's monk…bitch.))

The half-breed, with much dexterity and talent(that only comes from a lot of practice), flipped himself around so that his mouth was hovering only a few hot inches away from the head of Sanzo's dick, and the crimson's own cock was a few searing centimeters from the priest's lips.

In their 69 position, as they call it, Gojyo swiftly swallowed down all seven or so inches of Sanzo. Gojyo was so good at this trick. It was the only thing that got the blonde off too. So, he had to do it. Every single time. This is how they ended their rituals. Their nightly séances.

Sanzo stared up at Gojyo. The long organ was thick and pulsing with purple veins, the head a dark red and blood stains at the base near the region of dark, dark violet, almost black curls. Gojyo's tight sac hung right above his forehead and he wondered what Goku's manhood looked like. Was it golden like the rest of his skin? Was the curls of his hair a light brown, or black? Was it soft? Was it beautiful?

Dammit.

That's not what he was supposed to be thinking about. Pain…bitterness…he obviously needed more.

Sanzo wrapped his arms around Gojyo's hips, grasping the flesh of the man's rock hard buttocks, digging fingernails into that light tan skin. He engulfed as much of Gojyo as he could into his mouth and down his throat. He wasn't too good at it, but he had gotten better. Practice makes perfect, no?

Gojyo vibrated a moan from his throat, his teeth trembling at the base of Sanzo's cock. That did it. That's what set Sanzo off. He didn't know he was already so close, but apparently he was. Gojyo's dick suppressed the mumbled scream of the name that tried to escape his occupied lips.

Gojyo grinned as Sanzo seed spilled into his mouth. It always tasted so bitter. Just like the monk's attitude.

When Sanzo was spent he didn't need time to recover, the ejaculation was never that satisfying, it was always what came after…

With Gojyo's dick still throbbing in his mouth, Sanzo took his first two fingers and, without warning or preparation, impelled them into Gojyo's asshole.

A ragged gasp was torn from Gojyo as his head was tossed, back arched, cum squirting into Sanzo's waiting mouth. Sanzo knew the name that was cried from Gojyo's throat.

Hakkai.

But he ignored it. What could he do? He wasn't matchmaker.

When Sanzo felt Gojyo's back arch, he had readied himself, yet every time it was a such an unpleasant surprise. The blast of Gojyo's cum forcing itself down his throat made him gag, but he swallowed every bit that he could. Bitter. Yes. That's what he was looking for. The cascade of resentful semen flowing around his mouth and down his throat is what cleansed him. Even as Sanzo had to pull away so he didn't vomit, the remainder of the seed that was spilled onto his face purified him. Well, in a corrupted way. It was his own devious baptism. All the sins of wanting Goku, of wanting love and hope and faith and trust were washed away in this dirty feat…if only for a while.

Later that night as Gojyo lay awake in his bed, he wondered why he would sometimes hear Sanzo shout someone's name other than Goku's when he was finishing…

Koumyou?

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Well, I hope you guys liked it!! When I reread this I remembered how much I actually liked this fic and I really think I want to continue this, if people are actually going to read it :) So let me know if you would like to see more, maybe even a happy ending?? Could Sanzo actually end up with Goku?? Maybe a sweet, sexy, saucy lemon with the monkey and the priest?? ;D


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